The Things I've Learned About The Big "D"
For those that don't know, i have been on a hiatus from AshyRadio due to personal circumstances. As what should be public knowledge at this point, I am going through a divorce.
Here on AshyRadio we typically have views of relationships and give advice from our personal experiences and view points. I will be doing my first relationship blog here very candidly in hopes of benefiting other people.
From the beginning of my situation, i have found NO PLACE that offers any kind of advice on what to do while enduring a situation such as this. After finding myself here in the realm of divorce and separation, i noticed more and more how many other people are going through the exact same thing. Depressing as it is, the fact of the matter is we KNOW 50% of marriages do not end in "happily ever after" but we don't know what to expect, what to feel or how to know if we are "okay" while going through it.
I suppose part of this will be therapeutic for me in a way, but more over I'd like to offer help for those going through the same thing i am now or in the future as there doesn't appear to be much out there to aide us aside from sour emotions on blog boards. SO here it is:
1. Deserve's got nothing to do with it. What you get and what you deserve at this point are two different things. "Fair" is a word you should forget about.
2. Sometimes you won't understand why, and never will. You can ask all the questions you want, but even so it may still not make sense to you. Some divorces occur for obvious reasons such as adultry, abuse of the physical or emotional kind, abuse of substances, or financial reasons. As sad as these reasons are they do offer a place to start in putting your life back together. If you don't fall under any of these circumstances, you will be where I am. My advice: just focus on you. You may NEVER understand what just happened to you, but you cannot lose sight of your goal, which is taking care of yourself, and children if you have them
3. Answers don't lie in the bottom of a glass or bottle. Like any other problem in life, Jose, The Captain, Comrade Stoli and the good sir Johnny Walker can't talk back. What they can do is let your anger and frustration get the best of you. More importantly, they aren't going to take away your pain, or even mask it, which is what you will be looking to do. Find a different outlet. Racking up $100 bar tabs is not an advisable thing to do, because the costs you are about to face of a divorce and lawyers, if needed, are STUPENDOUS. Lastly, it will only lead to your trying to contact your soon to be ex and let's face it, we know that is NOT a good idea to attempt while under the influence.
4. Inform your supervisor. Your production and focus at work is going to change. I found it helpful to let my boss know immediately what i was enduring in a way to cushion a possible performance slip. If you need time off, take a few days. But don't stay gone for too long, work as un-enjoyable as it is can serve as a good distraction from what is happening to you now.
5. If you have kids, be ready. This situation goes so deep. Custody and placement battles. Schedules. Medicines. Clothing. Paying for recreational things. Your going to need to become an even better communicator if you want to keep your kids in your life. The fact is that you will be dealing with this person for the remainder of your life since you have kids together, so don't do vengeful things to try and hurt them the way they have hurt you. Don't use your children as a weapon. At this point, it is all about the children and your own future. This is hard for them too, and you need to be there for them double time to help them heal as well as yourself. I have no tips for you here accept this: think to the future, not to the past or present. You will not want to be the bigger person all the time but if you are lucky you will be blessed with the strength to be that person anyways. If you can, you will have a better chance of reaching a happy future.
6. Your reality will be different for a long, long time. I have spent months with the feeling that i am not in my own head. I don't feel like myself. Things don't look right. The world feels lucid and dreamlike and nothing seems to offer any substance. Music plays slower and off key. My vocabulary shrank. I wasn't me. It was scary. Extremely scary. I now know that this passes. You will eventually fall back into yourself. It just takes time.
7. Be prepared to hear the same shit from everyone. Sayings include "i'm so sorry for you", "give it time", "take it day by day", "what happened?", "hang in there" etc. People just honestly don't know what to say to you right now. They care so they want to say something, so they say things like this. Yes it's repetitive and annoying. But the fact is all these statements are true. Day by day, and you have all the time in the world.
8. Let go. If you are indeed getting divorced, and there will indeed be no reconciliation for you than you must let him or her go. They will be finding someone new at some point and so will you. It's going to hurt like hell hearing from other people what he/she is up to these days or who they are spending their time with. What can you do? Nothing but accept it and work on you. You will want to confront them, you will want to say something, you will want to scream and much much more. But don't. Go with dignity and let them have what they are looking for. You can do nothing else.
9. Choose your confidants closely. The last thing i wanted to hear in the begging was how awful my wife was, and how i deserved better, how i never should have been with her, how i could do better. I love this woman and even though it is ending the last thing i want to do is listen to people shit on her. Find people that will give you constructive conversation. Find people that will help you discover what went wrong, and what inside of you caused those things to happen. Find people that will listen to you when you are angry and say absurd things, and let them talk you through that anger because it isn't going to go away on it's own. Find people that won't be afraid to tell you that you are or were wrong. If you can do that, you can heal and be ready for life when you are ready to get back out there. If you can't, well, i really don't know....... i didn't go that route.
10. Your body is going to change. You will either be an eater or a non eater. If you are an eater, try to find a bag of apples. If you are a non eater watch your blood sugar. I didn't eat the first week and a half after the news came to me. I survived on fresh squeezed lemonade for vitimin C and blood sugar, then when i was ready to eat i chose vitamin and mineral rich vegetables to help strengthen my body. Drink water. On the plus side i lost 30 pounds that i NEEDED to lose anyway and got into some good eating habbits.
11. You're going to need a coping mechanism. Unfortunately for me, the first thing i did once she told me her decision was run to the gas station and buy a pack of cigarettes. I quit 6 and a half years ago, but it was the only thing i knew for coping with stress. I don't know what else can help you here as i already made my choice, but let it be something that isn't harmful to yourself and that you can put down easily when you are ready. If you are smarter than me, you would choose running and then let it be a surviving habit after all is said and done.
12. At least consult an attorney. You have no idea what is on the other person's mind at this point and it is important to be ready for the worst. at least get a free consultation from an attorney and hear what they have to say. Make yourself knowledgeable about what you are going through or about to go through.
13. Don't shut down. The world isn't going to stop and give you a breather. Other bad shit is going to happen to you while you are dealing with what is quite possibly the most miserable thing you will ever endure. This world is going to try and break you now. Don't let it. You keep moving even when it hurts. You keep moving even when your heart says it needs a break. You keep moving even if your mind agrees that your heart needs a break. You just keep moving.
14. Leave it all on the field. If you still love them, do everything you can to convey that. Don't leave yourself in self doubt when the end comes. If they don't want it, they will tell you. It will hurt like hell all over again, but at least you will have peace of mind which in all of this is priceless. If on the other hand you don't love them, just say so. Don't accept gifts or attention. Don't lead them on. Be strong with your decision and be honest and eventually they will get it and accept that it is over.
15. Smile. You are going to have to learn to do it again, so start as early as you can. Life is short.
I hope this helps as few people as possible, because it hurts every time i find another person going through this. But if you are one of the people that this helps, i hope this can help give you some bearing in this confusion.
Stay Ashy
-Ed Cayce
Here on AshyRadio we typically have views of relationships and give advice from our personal experiences and view points. I will be doing my first relationship blog here very candidly in hopes of benefiting other people.
From the beginning of my situation, i have found NO PLACE that offers any kind of advice on what to do while enduring a situation such as this. After finding myself here in the realm of divorce and separation, i noticed more and more how many other people are going through the exact same thing. Depressing as it is, the fact of the matter is we KNOW 50% of marriages do not end in "happily ever after" but we don't know what to expect, what to feel or how to know if we are "okay" while going through it.
I suppose part of this will be therapeutic for me in a way, but more over I'd like to offer help for those going through the same thing i am now or in the future as there doesn't appear to be much out there to aide us aside from sour emotions on blog boards. SO here it is:
1. Deserve's got nothing to do with it. What you get and what you deserve at this point are two different things. "Fair" is a word you should forget about.
2. Sometimes you won't understand why, and never will. You can ask all the questions you want, but even so it may still not make sense to you. Some divorces occur for obvious reasons such as adultry, abuse of the physical or emotional kind, abuse of substances, or financial reasons. As sad as these reasons are they do offer a place to start in putting your life back together. If you don't fall under any of these circumstances, you will be where I am. My advice: just focus on you. You may NEVER understand what just happened to you, but you cannot lose sight of your goal, which is taking care of yourself, and children if you have them
3. Answers don't lie in the bottom of a glass or bottle. Like any other problem in life, Jose, The Captain, Comrade Stoli and the good sir Johnny Walker can't talk back. What they can do is let your anger and frustration get the best of you. More importantly, they aren't going to take away your pain, or even mask it, which is what you will be looking to do. Find a different outlet. Racking up $100 bar tabs is not an advisable thing to do, because the costs you are about to face of a divorce and lawyers, if needed, are STUPENDOUS. Lastly, it will only lead to your trying to contact your soon to be ex and let's face it, we know that is NOT a good idea to attempt while under the influence.
4. Inform your supervisor. Your production and focus at work is going to change. I found it helpful to let my boss know immediately what i was enduring in a way to cushion a possible performance slip. If you need time off, take a few days. But don't stay gone for too long, work as un-enjoyable as it is can serve as a good distraction from what is happening to you now.
5. If you have kids, be ready. This situation goes so deep. Custody and placement battles. Schedules. Medicines. Clothing. Paying for recreational things. Your going to need to become an even better communicator if you want to keep your kids in your life. The fact is that you will be dealing with this person for the remainder of your life since you have kids together, so don't do vengeful things to try and hurt them the way they have hurt you. Don't use your children as a weapon. At this point, it is all about the children and your own future. This is hard for them too, and you need to be there for them double time to help them heal as well as yourself. I have no tips for you here accept this: think to the future, not to the past or present. You will not want to be the bigger person all the time but if you are lucky you will be blessed with the strength to be that person anyways. If you can, you will have a better chance of reaching a happy future.
6. Your reality will be different for a long, long time. I have spent months with the feeling that i am not in my own head. I don't feel like myself. Things don't look right. The world feels lucid and dreamlike and nothing seems to offer any substance. Music plays slower and off key. My vocabulary shrank. I wasn't me. It was scary. Extremely scary. I now know that this passes. You will eventually fall back into yourself. It just takes time.
7. Be prepared to hear the same shit from everyone. Sayings include "i'm so sorry for you", "give it time", "take it day by day", "what happened?", "hang in there" etc. People just honestly don't know what to say to you right now. They care so they want to say something, so they say things like this. Yes it's repetitive and annoying. But the fact is all these statements are true. Day by day, and you have all the time in the world.
8. Let go. If you are indeed getting divorced, and there will indeed be no reconciliation for you than you must let him or her go. They will be finding someone new at some point and so will you. It's going to hurt like hell hearing from other people what he/she is up to these days or who they are spending their time with. What can you do? Nothing but accept it and work on you. You will want to confront them, you will want to say something, you will want to scream and much much more. But don't. Go with dignity and let them have what they are looking for. You can do nothing else.
9. Choose your confidants closely. The last thing i wanted to hear in the begging was how awful my wife was, and how i deserved better, how i never should have been with her, how i could do better. I love this woman and even though it is ending the last thing i want to do is listen to people shit on her. Find people that will give you constructive conversation. Find people that will help you discover what went wrong, and what inside of you caused those things to happen. Find people that will listen to you when you are angry and say absurd things, and let them talk you through that anger because it isn't going to go away on it's own. Find people that won't be afraid to tell you that you are or were wrong. If you can do that, you can heal and be ready for life when you are ready to get back out there. If you can't, well, i really don't know....... i didn't go that route.
10. Your body is going to change. You will either be an eater or a non eater. If you are an eater, try to find a bag of apples. If you are a non eater watch your blood sugar. I didn't eat the first week and a half after the news came to me. I survived on fresh squeezed lemonade for vitimin C and blood sugar, then when i was ready to eat i chose vitamin and mineral rich vegetables to help strengthen my body. Drink water. On the plus side i lost 30 pounds that i NEEDED to lose anyway and got into some good eating habbits.
11. You're going to need a coping mechanism. Unfortunately for me, the first thing i did once she told me her decision was run to the gas station and buy a pack of cigarettes. I quit 6 and a half years ago, but it was the only thing i knew for coping with stress. I don't know what else can help you here as i already made my choice, but let it be something that isn't harmful to yourself and that you can put down easily when you are ready. If you are smarter than me, you would choose running and then let it be a surviving habit after all is said and done.
12. At least consult an attorney. You have no idea what is on the other person's mind at this point and it is important to be ready for the worst. at least get a free consultation from an attorney and hear what they have to say. Make yourself knowledgeable about what you are going through or about to go through.
13. Don't shut down. The world isn't going to stop and give you a breather. Other bad shit is going to happen to you while you are dealing with what is quite possibly the most miserable thing you will ever endure. This world is going to try and break you now. Don't let it. You keep moving even when it hurts. You keep moving even when your heart says it needs a break. You keep moving even if your mind agrees that your heart needs a break. You just keep moving.
14. Leave it all on the field. If you still love them, do everything you can to convey that. Don't leave yourself in self doubt when the end comes. If they don't want it, they will tell you. It will hurt like hell all over again, but at least you will have peace of mind which in all of this is priceless. If on the other hand you don't love them, just say so. Don't accept gifts or attention. Don't lead them on. Be strong with your decision and be honest and eventually they will get it and accept that it is over.
15. Smile. You are going to have to learn to do it again, so start as early as you can. Life is short.
I hope this helps as few people as possible, because it hurts every time i find another person going through this. But if you are one of the people that this helps, i hope this can help give you some bearing in this confusion.
Stay Ashy
-Ed Cayce
i've been through a divorce before and seriously i wish i had someone tell me HALF of this. on the other hand, now that i HAVE been through a divorce i know what it feels like for people like you now. you were definately more productive and intelligent about yours than i was with mine - course i was only 21 so i was bound to be distructive with mine. i've said this before to you and i'll write it again - it's doesn't get easier and it will never feel ok, but you will drive on. you will create a new reality with a new "o.k." i wish you the best.
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