Real Talk With Raze - Movies of My Childhood That Had No Business Being Movies of My Childhood
Look man...I'm an 80's baby, tried and true. Born in 1978 to a single mother who did her best, with the overwhelming help of my grandparents, aunt and uncles. But, as I'm sure with most other 80's babies, we had a LOT of movies that came out in that decade (and a few years into the 90's) that in our young ages, we ain't have NO business seeing when we did. So, after thinkin about it, I put together a list of the ones I probably REALLY had no damn business seeing when I did.
1. The Return of The Living Dead - 1986 (R)
I was 8yrs old when this joint came out and had absolutely no f*cking business
in the movie theater watching this hilariously, gruesome, frightening, awesome,
bone chilling for an 8yr old, movie.
But, there I was. Eyes closed, scared as
sh*t, peeking through my squinted eyes for the nude girl dancing her ass off in
the cemetery and all...right next to my mom. Who took me to EVERY movie on this
list. Go Mom. Horary worthy parenting.
NSFW GIFS
2. Purple Rain - 1984 (R)
Look, I knew at an early age I wanted to be a musician. And
two movies are to charge for that: Krush Groove and Purple Rain. KG for all the
RIGHT reasons, and PR for every wrong reason imaginable. This movie earned the
f*ck out of its R rating: Tittays and sex. Physical spousal abuse. Implied
suicide. Drug and alcohol use. The fact that it apparently GOES THE F*CK DOWN
in waters of Lake Minnetonka.
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street - 1984 (R)
Yeah...I'm convinced that my mother gave no fucks about my
sleep habits or ability to even HAVE sleep habits, apparently. From nudity, to
language to nightmarish dude's arms all stretched out in that fucking
alley....
wait....back to the nudity, that for a SIX YEAR OLD was pretty damn
awesome, but was abrutptly cut short as fuck by...yup, pretty white bish
getting slided, diced and ripped to shreads. Talk about all kindsa
psychological issues. Had I not been such a brilliant kid, I'd have been F*CKED
from there. Thanks, Ma.
4. School Daze - 1988 (R)
Finally, a break in the monotony. But...what the f*ck. Why
on fkn God's green earth would ANYONE think a Ten year old would be an
acceptable road-dawg for a film like this. Granted, it was AMAZING. As a kid, I
admittedly wanted nothing more than to go to school and secretly created two
fraternities, and pit them against each other, only to kick back and enjoy the
ensuing mayhem that devoured the 3rd and 4th grade classes. I was fully
cognitive of what this movie was about and what it meant after seeing it.
Honestly, I credit a lot of my logical development to my mother having taken me
to see films like this, thankfully. HOWEVER, ain't no fkn damn ass way in hell
MY 10yr olds are watching this sh*t.
Gone somewhere.
5. Candyman - 1992 (R)
Aiight look, I know I was 14. I know I'd had a pretty rough childhood up to this point. I'd seen and experienced a WHOLE LOT F*CKING MORE than most 14yr olds. HOWEVER, none of that sh*t matters because from that point forward I couldn't turn a damn bathroom light off b4 walking out without consciously thinking about that sh*t. Either one of two magical things were gonna happen: Candyman would pop up behind me and gut my black ass.....
...or Virginia Madsen would show up with those GLORIOUS, yet bloody, milk blasters of hers and.......gut my black ass. Well, at least the latter option would've yielded a worthy exit for this young creep's life.
So, there ya have it. Movies I had not a damn bit of
business seeing when I was as young as I was. Feel free to post your own
stories below of how your parents or your own curiosities may have fucked you
up too.
Oh yeah, HONORABLE MENTION -
Jungle Fever - 1991 (R)
Angie Tucci. That name has resonated with me for the last 24yrs of my life. I was so young, but in spite of everything tragic that happened to Flipper's life once he'd tasted that sweet, purified olive-oil slick mouthed, dark haired, European Bunny Goddess.....
I still was left with an impression; one that I'm CERTAIN was NOT what Spike had intended. The impression was that white women are f*cking awesome. Sure, they'll probably destroy your life. Cost you everything you've ever worked your ass off for. BUT, if a strong willed, incredibly intelligent, black man who had EVERYTHING, would risk it all for dat Bunnylove, it MUST be worth it...right? Well, of COURSE NOT. But, for a 12/13yr old kid...no matter how intelligent I was, this was what I got from it.
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