Pink Slips III - Hopeless Romantics

HOPELESS ROMANTICS

SO YOU FIND YOURSELF drifting off into another one of those fantastic day dreams of some strange rich prince sweeping you off your feet out of nowhere and surprising you in front of your closest friends and family with a bouquet of flowers, a ring and a romantic getaway to include long walks on the beach, a picnic under the stars with wine and all of your favorite fruits covered in chocolate being fed to you as you lay in the sand, spontaneous poetry belted from his heart with renditions of his mighty love for you, a European get-a-way, passionate sex at every turn and not a care in the world….. WAKE THE F*CK UP and get with reality because that shit don’t exist and here’s why!

Romance is a story and a lie you tell yourself regularly to help you cope with your miserable life, in hopes that one day you will no longer have to be alone. The reality of it is that lie you keep telling yourself, is what is keeping you single! Think about it, WHAT THE HELL would a prince (or any well to do great guy) want with your meager ass!? Your fantasy offers nothing in return. It’s an “all take” fantasy where you receive and receive and the only thing you have to give is your worn out used ass! That’s more of a punishment than a prize!

Let’s list the other things wrong with your romance novel fantasies:

1. You don’t allow people to sweep you off your feet – especially strangers. If some strange guy walked up to you right now and started singing to you in public you’d probably mace him! If that guy you don’t talk to a few cubicles over sent you a bouquet of flowers you’d probably kick him in the nuts and report him for sexual harassment. Let’s face it, the only guy you would allow to walk up to you without already knowing him is someone that isn’t interested in you anyway – if he was wouldn’t he have said something by now!?

2. You’re a selfish bitch – no? Why you want your friends and family to see it happen!? Because you want to rub it in their faces is why. Also, nowhere in your fantasy is there anything about you cooking or cleaning or paying a fuckin bill is there!? Selfish bitch….

3. Long walks on the beach suck without theme music! Especially if you’re not on the ocean. All you have to listen to are the thoughts in your head (which is probably questioning everything about the moment like “why isn’t it as romantic in real life as it is in the movies”) and the boring chatter that keep pouring out of your mouth. Unfortunately for him (assuming you somehow managed to drag some pour soul here with you) the only thing pouring out of your useless mouth is “tell me how much you love me” and “what are you thinking” and “I wonder what my kids are doing right now” while he’s probably thinking “I wonder when she’s gonna use that mouth for something that will make ME happy”….

4. Picnics under the stars in real life include bugs and unstable surfaces! Yeah I know that wasn’t the case in your head, but in real life you’re not half as smart as you are in your head! (look at you trying to figure that one out!!). Nothing says romance like wrapping your mouth around a chocolate and moth covered strawberry dripping with ants! I don’t know what it is about picnics under the stars but insects LOVE them!! And don't put that bottle of wine down on the ground cause it wasn't built like a table. As soon as you let it go it will be EVERYWHERE and nothing says romance like pino noir or merlot stains all over your virgin white dress your kids bought you for Mother's Day.

5. Spontaneous poetry sounds corny as hell if it’s spontaneous. Seriously, if you don’t believe me, go to your nearest intersection (busy or not) and just start belting out some poetry. If you don’t have one written, say the words to Mary had a little lamb. Guaranteed you will either A) if it’s busy as hell have empty soda cans thrown at you or B) if it’s empty STILL feel embarrassed as hell and never speak of that shame moment again! The only time poetry sounds good is if you are in a poetry club or reading a book of poetry.

6. European get-a-ways cost serious money and take months of planning and who has that kind of vacation time!? The person that can afford that kind of vacation is not taking that vacation BECAUSE THEY GOTTA WORK!!! Besides, what about you says you deserve to be whisked away to some foreign country?? You probably don’t have a passport and even if you did, he’s not taking your kids and that child support your baby daddy is paying guarantees you better not leave the state without his permission!

7. Sex at every turn at this point means you’re a whore! Think about it, every time this stranger does something nice for you, you drop your pants or lift your skirt or drop to your knees. REALLY!? THAT’s how you choose to repay this kind stranger!? By offering some substandard worn out p**** while secretly trying to rope him into an 18 year child support contract!? You’re awesome generosity speaks volumes and your praises will be sung from the highest - GTFOH!!!!!

Your romance novel ideas and thoughts have no place in the real world and for all of our sake you should keep it in its proper place – the mental stimulation and masturbation pile! The only time it should be brought up is as a bargaining chip when he asks you for a threesome with your best friend! I’m sure we’d all agree that a long walk on the beach would be worth that! Otherwise….

I’m sorry, but your services are no longer required. Thank you for your time and you’re fired!!

Don’t worry ladies, I know I can be harsh on you at times, but at least I can say I am fair and equal!

PART 2 COMING SOON – CAP’N SAVE-A-HOE’S