Real Talk with Raze: Advice for Up & Cumming "Reality Porn" stars
Considering the new "in thing" to gain celebrity status, even if only for a quick minute, is through sex tapes, it seems EVERYBODY is doing them. I mean, dammit former DISNEY stars are doing it. So with that said, since none of history's sex tape legends (Pamela Anderson, Verne Troyer, Kim Kardashian, Fred Durst, Paris Hilton; etc) are giving any guidance as to the Do's and DONT'S of sex tapes, as resident Porn Connoisseur of AshyRadio, I took the responsibility myself. It's just too hard (no homo) watching these misguided "stars" hustle backwards.
1. STOP LOOKING AT THE F*CKING CAMERA!!
We all know you're on camera. But most importantly, YOU know you're on camera. The whole idea is to PERFORM so that whoever, including yourself can later watch and hopefully enjoy...or at LEAST be entertained by your foolish decision.
2. Play up your strongest point of interest.
Look, no matter how famous you are Mr. Celeb, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU. It's all about THE GIRL. Even WOMEN watch sex tapes for the girl! Stop trying to be Ray J, and let ya girl SHINE!
Look, Ms. Celeb, we see your face ALL THE DAMN TIME. We can Google your face. We wanna see THAT AZZ or THOSE JUBEZ!! Know what? I've also always wondered if your pretty celebrity self can actually suck a d*ck too, so...IF YOU DO have mean head-game, SHOW OFF!!
3. Stop putting the camera so damn far away in obtrusive places!
Despite his camera hogging self love, Ray J (along with Tommy Lee) got one thing absolutely right. The camera was RIGHT IN THE MIX OF THE ACTION. It was at times P.O.V.(point of view), which adds to the REAL porn vibe cuz the viewer can imagine it's him getting boss'd by Pam or Kim. All these, "let's put the camera 12ft away, partially under a D12 t-shirt, behind a lamp" filmed sex tapes GOTTA GO.
4. Buy a decent f*cking camera!!
Now, some may disagree with me here because the campy lo-fi look of a sex tape is part of the allure. But as a techie, I just can't justify or believe that ANY respectably wealthy person would be walking around with a video camera in the same quality bracket as MY MOTHER. So with that said, spend the $500 and get a fkn DSLR camera that at least takes good 720p video. Or get a Flip (http://www.theflip.com/en-us/Products/) for f*ck's sake. Literally.
5. Stop being so damned obvious.
We all KNOW you're planning on releasing this as a publicity stunt to boost the buzz of your failing career.
BUT.
Sell me the dream. Believe me when I tell you this, I WANT TO BELIEVE that some homeless wino or freeloading dipsh*t homeboy turned house-guest turned entrepreneur stole ur "private moment" of inhibition. Unfortunately, all the make up, and staged scenarios ARE BOGUS. You're making a SEX TAPE, not a fkn PORNO. Get that thru your head! We wanna see the star "behind the curtain" being who THEY are. NORMAL. HORNY. REGULAR. PEOPLE. If we wanted to see staged, semi-scripted porn, WE WOULD WATCH STAGED, SEMI-SCRIPTED PORN.
That's all I got for right now. Trust, I could go on about this all day. But I won't. Just feel free to comment and add some insight of your own.
R.
1. STOP LOOKING AT THE F*CKING CAMERA!!
We all know you're on camera. But most importantly, YOU know you're on camera. The whole idea is to PERFORM so that whoever, including yourself can later watch and hopefully enjoy...or at LEAST be entertained by your foolish decision.
2. Play up your strongest point of interest.
Look, no matter how famous you are Mr. Celeb, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU. It's all about THE GIRL. Even WOMEN watch sex tapes for the girl! Stop trying to be Ray J, and let ya girl SHINE!
Look, Ms. Celeb, we see your face ALL THE DAMN TIME. We can Google your face. We wanna see THAT AZZ or THOSE JUBEZ!! Know what? I've also always wondered if your pretty celebrity self can actually suck a d*ck too, so...IF YOU DO have mean head-game, SHOW OFF!!
3. Stop putting the camera so damn far away in obtrusive places!
Despite his camera hogging self love, Ray J (along with Tommy Lee) got one thing absolutely right. The camera was RIGHT IN THE MIX OF THE ACTION. It was at times P.O.V.(point of view), which adds to the REAL porn vibe cuz the viewer can imagine it's him getting boss'd by Pam or Kim. All these, "let's put the camera 12ft away, partially under a D12 t-shirt, behind a lamp" filmed sex tapes GOTTA GO.
4. Buy a decent f*cking camera!!
Now, some may disagree with me here because the campy lo-fi look of a sex tape is part of the allure. But as a techie, I just can't justify or believe that ANY respectably wealthy person would be walking around with a video camera in the same quality bracket as MY MOTHER. So with that said, spend the $500 and get a fkn DSLR camera that at least takes good 720p video. Or get a Flip (http://www.theflip.com/en-us/Products/) for f*ck's sake. Literally.
5. Stop being so damned obvious.
We all KNOW you're planning on releasing this as a publicity stunt to boost the buzz of your failing career.
BUT.
Sell me the dream. Believe me when I tell you this, I WANT TO BELIEVE that some homeless wino or freeloading dipsh*t homeboy turned house-guest turned entrepreneur stole ur "private moment" of inhibition. Unfortunately, all the make up, and staged scenarios ARE BOGUS. You're making a SEX TAPE, not a fkn PORNO. Get that thru your head! We wanna see the star "behind the curtain" being who THEY are. NORMAL. HORNY. REGULAR. PEOPLE. If we wanted to see staged, semi-scripted porn, WE WOULD WATCH STAGED, SEMI-SCRIPTED PORN.
That's all I got for right now. Trust, I could go on about this all day. But I won't. Just feel free to comment and add some insight of your own.
R.
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